Domestic violence is a complex and devastating experience that affects millions of individuals every year. For survivors, the path to safety and healing is rarely straightforward. One of the most misunderstood aspects of domestic violence is why some survivors return to abusive partners, despite the trauma they endure. It is essential to approach this topic with empathy, understanding, and an awareness of the barriers survivors face. By exploring the emotional, financial, psychological, and safety-related factors, we can foster compassion and reduce the stigma surrounding survivors’ choices.
Emotional Bonds and Trauma Bonds
Survivors of domestic violence often form deep emotional connections with their abusers, known as trauma bonds. These bonds are built through cycles of abuse and reconciliation. Abusers frequently manipulate survivors by alternating between cruelty and kindness, which creates a sense of hope and dependency in the survivor. Many survivors deeply care for the person they first fell in love with and hold onto the belief that change is possible.
Additionally, guilt and self-blame play a significant role in keeping survivors in abusive relationships. Abusers often shift blame onto survivors, making them feel responsible for the abuse. This manipulation creates a vicious cycle of shame and loyalty, making it difficult for survivors to leave.
Financial Dependence
Financial abuse is a common tactic used by perpetrators to control and isolate their victims. It may include restricting access to money, sabotaging careers, or forcing dependence on a single income. For a survivor with little or no financial resources, leaving can feel impossible. Basic needs such as housing, food, childcare, and transportation become significant obstacles.
Even shelters and support services, as vital as they are, may not always provide long-term solutions. Survivors who face financial insecurity often return to their abusers because the alternative—homelessness or poverty—may seem even more overwhelming.
Psychological Manipulation and Fear
Psychological abuse, including gaslighting and intimidation, erodes a survivor’s self-esteem and confidence. Over time, survivors may feel trapped, powerless, and incapable of living independently. Abusers exploit these feelings, convincing survivors that they are unworthy of support or will never find help if they leave.
Fear is another powerful barrier. Survivors are often threatened with dire consequences if they try to escape. This can include threats of harm to themselves, their children, or even their pets. The perceived risk of leaving may feel greater than the risk of staying, especially when protective measures, like restraining orders, are not always effective.
Social Stigma and Isolation
Abusers deliberately isolate survivors from friends, family, and community support. This isolation serves to cut survivors off from potential sources of help or validation. When survivors attempt to speak about the abuse, they may encounter skepticism, victim-blaming, or judgment, which leads to further silencing.
Cultural or societal expectations also play a role. Survivors may feel pressured to maintain the image of a “perfect family” or to uphold religious or cultural values that discourage separation or divorce. Fear of community shame can trap survivors in abusive relationships.
Safety Concerns
Leaving an abusive partner is one of the most dangerous steps a survivor can take. Statistics show that the risk of violence often escalates when a survivor attempts to leave. Abusers frequently retaliate out of a need to regain control, putting survivors in immediate danger. Without strong protective measures and resources, survivors may feel safer staying than risking further harm.
Survivors may also face legal challenges, such as troubled custody battles, that complicate the process of leaving. Granting abusers shared custody or visitation rights can place both survivors and their children at continued risk.
Building a Compassionate Response
Understanding why survivors return to abusive partners requires compassion and the ability to view their experiences through their eyes. By recognizing the emotional, financial, psychological, and safety-related barriers they face, we can create a more supportive network. Survivors need resources, encouragement, and zero judgment as they make decisions about their lives.
Change is possible through community education, empowerment programs, and survivor-centered advocacy. Together, we can challenge harmful stereotypes, provide survivors with the tools they need, and foster an environment where rebuilding lives free of abuse is achievable.
Are You Experiencing Domestic Violence or Abuse? DVAP Is Here To Help
Domestic Violence and Abuse Protection, Inc. is a non-profit organization committed to protecting the victims of domestic abuse. When restraining orders are not enough, we are there to provide the determined protection you deserve. We are located at 3900 Orange St. Riverside, CA. Call us at (951)-275-8301 (24 hours). Alternatively, you can email us at admin@dvapriverside.org.
